broken hallelujah

some of my fondest memories are times spent with my mom as a young boy. i recall many shopping trips while my brothers were in school when i was yet too young to go to school. i don't ever remember wanting to go to school at that time, nor do i recall ever wanting to go to school after that time. i was happy going into the city with mom, following her around as she looked for bargains, and always stopping for little snacks for me as we passed by different street vendors.

she never liked me using the public restrooms and often she would rather hail a cab to get us home rather than have me go to the public restrooms. it sounds strange now, but i thought that was just the way things were. the public restrooms were nasty gem infested disease trap that should be avoided at all cost. there is still some of that irrationality in my psyche.

i did not realize it then, but i do believe my mom had an obsessive compulsive disorder and she has handed it down to me. people tell me that i am more like my mom and than my brothers, and i agree... good and bad...

when my mom passed away, i mourned. i mourned because we have lost those special moments. my mom was no longer a young mother holding on tightly to a little child's hand in fear of losing him, and i was no longer a child who was afraid to go beyond her watchful eyes... and that was the saddest part of it all...

toilers of the sea

i keep getting on my blog hoping i would have something to write, something to say... but then i always end up staring into the blank screen...

i have been quitely living my life and in some ways, i feel a great deal of comfort in what some may consider a lifeless existence. i have nothing to be pride of, yet i am not ashamed of anything either. i feel that my life is pretty plain...

i have accepted certain things and i feel free because of it.

i have accpeted that i don't have anything to prove to anyone, and that i am not such a special person after all, even though others have tried so hard to convince me that i am special like everyone else. my therapist called it having a good self-esteem. the fact is, i see nothing especially good or bad about me. but, i think realizing that and knowing that it is still life worth living is really about the wisest thing i can do, not to believe that i am better than others by lying to myself...

i really don't have any more dreams and hopes for myself, but i do have some kindness that i can offer others, and really that is all i have left now...

i have been reading this book by victor hugo called toilers of the sea. whether it was my choice or not, i have become an isolated person, like the character in the book, but i still want to be a kind and gentle person that are willing to go out of my way to help others in need....

suddenly i see...

brent's funeral was beautiful and they had a dedication ceremony at the ice rink which made me feel proud...

his funeral has made me sad, but it also has brought some changes in me. i have spent too long feeling sorry for myself. it is time for me to start caring about other people... maybe that is a legacy he has left me...

there were many stories told of how courageously he fought cancer. how he never gave up and tried to enjoy life to the fullest even to the last moments of his life. it was heart warming and also heart breaking. many cried, and many questioned god for such senseless loss of a wonderful person...

there aren't many people in this world that have touched and affected so many others as brent has. he treated everyone like they were his best friend and all of us felt that we have lost our best friend... and maybe, just maybe life is measured not by how long you lived, but by how much it has affected others... and when so many tears were shed by so many, there is no question as to the measure of his life...

god delusion

is there a god?

if god answers your prayers, how come all lottery winners are not christians?

if god is omniscient, what is point of praying? god already knows all things present and future, and because he already knows everything (what is going to happen), there is no way you can change his mind whether you pray or not... if he was going to change his mind, he would have known it already and it is not really changing his mind because he already knew he would...

why do so many innocent people die for no good reason? and if god is willing to let it happen, do i want to love a god who doesn't love me back enough to protect me from these bad things?

some say all those bad things may have good consequences that i don't know about. of course, you can always look at the sunny side of life, and you don't need god for that.

i went to a midnight mass christmas eve and had breakfast with monks. i have a deep respect for the clergy, however, that does not mean i have faith in anything... i am driven by two things... logic and love. logic, because i don't want to believe in things that are false... love, because without it, i don't see a point of human life...

i don't believe i can be a better person because of belief in god. i want to be a better person because i love others and i want others to love me...

cold cold heart

her eyes are watering as she screams out in frustration. why can't you love me? are you not capable of loving? i have opened up to you and you, you, you just have this wall around you... let me in...

i wish i could tell her. i wish i could tell her that i could never love her because my heart won't let me. i keep trying. i keep hoping. maybe just maybe with time i will start feeling something. but at this point, there is no hope. there is nothing. i feel empty. i just want to be alone...

i recall a dream. a day dream of happily ever after. two people so in love with one another... the world disappears around them and nothing else matters...

i dreamt of a princess. but that was long ago... now i dream of feeling nothing, no pain, no anger...

i wish i could just tell her... you were never the one i dreamt about. you were never the one that i wanted to share my life with... and i am afraid, there may be no one that i want to share my life with...

i don't say a word. i want to hug her and tell her that it will all be okay. but then, i know my hug means nothing... so i just turn and walk out the door once again... never meaning to return... though i never say a word, i know she will be better off without me. i pray that she finds what she is looking for... i know it isn't me...

as i walk out the door of the apartment building, something makes me look up... what i see is an angel, an angel falling from the sky. wait, that is no angel, it's the girl i just left behind.

a broken neck is what ended it all. a ninety some pound girl breaks my neck as she fell from a five story building... i guess she must have jumped wanting to end her life. her life didn't end. she is fine as my neck and body broke her fall. she found a new love of her life at the hospital, a doctor... while my body sits cold in a mortuary.

dream is a wish our heart makes...

i had a dream last night... i was out at sea in this small boat...

and i saw this woman... a beautiful girl... who was drowning, and i wanted to help her, i wanted to save her...

i looked around and saw a piece of rope nearby, so i tossed it out to her...

and i pulled and pulled... thinking maybe god has sent me the girl of my dreams... and i prayed to god please let me be her knight in shining armour and save her...

in the hind sight, maybe i should have explained it to her to tie the rope around her waist not to her neck....

anyway, so i dumped the body back in the water and acted like i saw nothing...