eternal thunderstorm

often, i get this feeling. that same old familiar feeling...

as long as i can remember, my state of being can be described in perhaps two different moods. first there is sadness. i am not sure where this sadness comes from, but it is always there, that underlying layer of misty fog that sufficates me longing for a ray of light....

sometimes, things make me happy, but only for a moment, followed by the fear of impending doom.

second state is melancholy. it is not a complete sadness, but reflective longing and regret... so, you can probably say that i am always miserable. no, not miserable, just unhappy.

one may think that the existence in such low emotional state can be taxing and perhaps even suicidally depressive. i don't know. i never think about suicide. i just accept it as what it is. what i am, who i am.

people often tell me that i think too much. i have to agree. it is often this thinking process and analyzing that makes me miserable because i am so often disappointed with myself and others for the way we behave and the way we treat one another.

some of it is loneliness i am sure. if i was not alone all the time, i probably would not think so much, but then i am so often very bored with people for the conversations that seems to have no meaning, no point, just rambling to disrupt the silence that can often make us uncomfortable.

i guess, i simply wish there was someone i can truly have deep meaningful conversations about... nothing.

so, there it is... in the end, i want pointless conversation about nothing, like everyone else, but i guess i want it in my terms, disguised in creative wit.

funeral

today, i went to a funeral. there must have been close to thousand people there. i couldn't even get into the chapel where the funeral service was being held. i, along with hundreds of people, stood outside waiting... not sure what i was waiting for.

i ended up leaving after a while. i wondered how many of those people that were there felt really close to this person. surely, a person can not have this many close friends... neither was i a close friend. i just wanted to say goodbye to someone i once knew...

i didn't get to say goodbye, but then i felt okay because there were so many people that wanted to say goodbye...

my funeral, i am positive, will not have more than few relatives and very few friends. i have made sure that i did not have many friends. i am not sure why i do that, but i prefer to push people away than to be friends with people.

i think everyone will be happy at my funeral for having ample space and sitting room.

fairness

she asks me.... "how is that fair? how can there be God?"

i have never said life was fair, and though she seems to think that i am an eternal optimist, i am far from it. i haven't believed that life was fair for a very long time. but then, i don't think it needs to be. life is just life... it's not about what is given to you, but it is about what you do with what you have.

God... i believe there may be God... but if God is truly fair, God would just let things be.... which would be unfair to some (as some would see it), but then what is more fair than letting things be....

she wants to rescue a dog from a bad dog owner, but then i wonder if the dog would truly have chosen to leave his owner. she sees it so clearly that dog wants to be free from the owner, but i am not so sure. it's not that i no longer feel sympathy, it's not that i no longer hurt, it's that i no longer feel that i am the answer for any relief of sadness or hurt in this world.

i weep inside, but i am afriad to reach out my hand in an attempt to help because i am afriad it will end up causing more pain and heartache in the end.... i have a shoulder you can cry on, an ear to listen, and i will shed tears with you, but i can't make it go away or make things right.... i don't even know how to try....