often, i get this feeling. that same old familiar feeling...
as long as i can remember, my state of being can be described in perhaps two different moods. first there is sadness. i am not sure where this sadness comes from, but it is always there, that underlying layer of misty fog that sufficates me longing for a ray of light....
sometimes, things make me happy, but only for a moment, followed by the fear of impending doom.
second state is melancholy. it is not a complete sadness, but reflective longing and regret... so, you can probably say that i am always miserable. no, not miserable, just unhappy.
one may think that the existence in such low emotional state can be taxing and perhaps even suicidally depressive. i don't know. i never think about suicide. i just accept it as what it is. what i am, who i am.
people often tell me that i think too much. i have to agree. it is often this thinking process and analyzing that makes me miserable because i am so often disappointed with myself and others for the way we behave and the way we treat one another.
some of it is loneliness i am sure. if i was not alone all the time, i probably would not think so much, but then i am so often very bored with people for the conversations that seems to have no meaning, no point, just rambling to disrupt the silence that can often make us uncomfortable.
i guess, i simply wish there was someone i can truly have deep meaningful conversations about... nothing.
so, there it is... in the end, i want pointless conversation about nothing, like everyone else, but i guess i want it in my terms, disguised in creative wit.